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Agony of Defeat: What marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from. The only known substance that will make a woman beautiful when taken internally - by her escort. It should never be loaded into your computer’s memory. Altos: Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes”, “Bubba’s toes, ”, or “Dori-toes. Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid only in cash - not by cheque. A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there; 3. Applause: Applause before a speaker begins his talk is an act of faith; Applause during the speech is an act of hope; Applause after he has concluded is an act of charity. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. Australia: A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. A selfish, inconsiderate rat who is depriving some deserving woman of her rightful alimony; 34. Bad Husband: The only thing that beats a good wife. Bakinmyday: A law passed in the early 1900s that made it mandatory to build all schools at least 15 miles from all future grandfathers. Balanced Budget: When money in the bank and the days of the month come out together. Bald Eagle: Large bird too vain to buy a hairpiece. Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another. Beergasm: The climatic moment when you take the first sip at the end of the day. Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Beggar: One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country. Alcoholic: A person you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. A shouted request for assistance by an out-of-bounds European skier on a U. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you. Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks; 4. Appetite: The one thing bigger than an overweight person's stomach. Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until it’s too old to spank. Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A writer with connections in the publishing industry; 4. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony; 35. Bad Luck: To have thirteen people seated at the table when you’re paying for the drinks. Baggage Claim: The most difficult area of the airport to find. Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you! Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting callers, has only to straighten his necktie. Baritone: Note emanating from Senator Goldwater, or from singer Manilow. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
19th Hole: The only hole on which golfers do not complain about the number of shots they took. 404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning the requested document couldn’t be located: “Don’t bother asking him, he’s 404.” A Cappella: Just two, please. AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink. Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in “This computer cost quite a bit.” Bitch: A female of a dog or vice versa. Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves. Blasphemy: What the mine foreman told the miner to do with the dynamite. Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up. Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public. One who does not think that anything should be done for the first time; 6. Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is; 2. Copyright Defined Coquette: A woman without a heart, who makes a fool of a man who has no head. A profession for which you have to take a Stiff exam.
AALST: One who changes his name to be nearer the front. Abligo: One who prides himself on not even knowing what day of the week it is. Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. Blinky-Eyed: How you get when you’re trying to ignore the bed’s call. Blithbury: A look someone gives you which indicates that they’re much too drunk to have understood anything you’ve said to them in the last twenty minutes. Book Censor: A person who reads so much he gets asterisks in front of his eyes. The guy who watches the clock during the coffee break; 4. Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop. A jobless person who shows executives how to work; 3. The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back. Core Storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples. Coronary Bypass: When the king’s youngest son is crowned instead of the eldest. Corporal: As high as you go and still have friends. Coupe D’Etat: The forcible takeover of a government by someone in a 2-door car.
Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.
Abstract Artist: A person who draws his or her own confusions. Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson’ 9. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.” Axiom: 1. Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers; 5. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.” Barber: 1. As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. Someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting. Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed. Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls. Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat. Coolant: An insect that’s, like, you know, got it all together, dude. Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat. Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. See also most of the information the government tells you. Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.